Well it was only a matter of time before the nerves kicked in. Until now, I’ve felt on top of the world – but today I’m feeling a teeny bit scared. Top 2 on the ‘worry-list’ are these little niggles:
1) Will I be a good mummy?
I don’t think I’m being too hard on myself here. It’s no secret to my family that when I get low, I take it to extremes. I’m a big crier and I have a few months of wallowing before I pick myself up. It worries me that with baby in tow, there’s no room for ‘strop time’ anymore; I’ll have to be a Stepford Mother whenever baby is within a 50 metre radius. So Little Miss Tantrum is going to have to grow up some! Things that usually ‘set me off’ are bad days at work, insecurities in my relationships, and money problems. Given it would be a miracle for work, family and money to co-exist happily with the occupants of the Mills household forever more, I’m bound to have to confront this head-on sooner rather than later.
All around me I see examples of motherhood; ranging from very good to very bad. I don’t want to constantly benchmark myself against ridiculously unrealistic examples but it’s virtually impossible not to worry now I’m expecting. Despite my relatively happy and secure childhood, having now seen firsthand the deterioration of my own ‘role model’ (my mum), I want to ensure I don’t repeat some of the same mistakes. I just want a healthy, happy, strong, independent and confident child who can face their problems in a rational way. If I fall to bits every time I have an issue, how can I possibly expect my child to do any differently?
I’m sure every mother-to-be worries about what sort of mother they’ll make; Will my child’s friends think I’m cool enough? Will I be always be able to provide my child with a warm home? Will my child pick up on my anxieties? These are just some of the things I’ve been panicking about since I’ve discovered the pregnancy. Whilst I realise that some of these concerns are irrational, others are absolutely justified. I just hope like mad I can stand up to the challenge and be the self-sufficient and tough mummy I need to be.
2) Will we have the support network we need?
I’ve never stayed in one place for long. I’ve lived in Reading, Chichester, Lichfield, Oxford and London. I’ve lost touch with people who were once so important to me. I’ll admit to being a little jealous when I see those from school who still maintain the same friendship groups they’ve had from school (my Craig included). My family is also scattered all over the place now, with new priorities.
I guess my main concern is that baby and I won’t have people to turn to if a disaster happens. What if Craig has an accident at work? What if he leaves me? I know you can’t prepare for every eventuality but we’ll actually be in a worse position than most because baby and I are so isolated. It’s clearly time to get organised and ensure I have money set aside for emergencies, and that my family are very involved in baby’s life from the start. Hopefully the birth of my gorgeous baby will serve to bring my family back together again and we’ll all double our efforts to spend regular time with one another.
This isn’t all intended to be doom and gloom. I’m just coming to terms with the realisation that things have to change and that my health, happiness and sanity are all now secondary to baby’s. It’s a frightening and exhilarating feeling, and one that keeps me up at night. I suppose I’d be a terrible mother if I didn’t think about these things, and this is simply not an option. So as the title suggests, It’s time to step up xxxx